Close your eyes. Think about all of the family members you have known since you were just a child. Think of the ones who impacted your life, good or bad. Think about the cousins you had fun playing with, the siblings you fought with, the uncles and aunts who post things on Facebook that make you wonder what genes you share. Think about the step-fathers/mothers/siblings. The bad memories that make you hate the people involved and the good memories you use to smother the bad ones. I want you to visualize this entire group, then think of you all posing for a family photo. I have one question for you.. Where are you standing in this picture and what emotion are you showing?
I do not have many family photos that I can look back on to reminisce. I honestly do not think I have one. With this being said, I often wonder what one would look like if we were to take it at this very moment. I understand that there are a lot of people I would not want to be near, and there are some I would pay to be around again. As we get older life has a way of creating a natural distance between people. This is why I have cousins who I would take multiple bullets for that I have not seen in months or years. It is sad but it is life, we all go down our paths but that doesn’t mean the love is gone. This, however, is not the focus of this piece.
If I was to have a family photo taken right now, I would love to say I would be front and center. I would love to say I would be smiling and have my arms wrapped around some people. I would love to believe that this picture would be framed somewhere and on display in my place of residence so that anyone who visits me can spark up a conversation and I can talk about the family I love so much. I would love to say that but it sadly isn’t the case. This hurts to write, but I am at a point in my life where I believe we must be introspective enough to be honest and face our own truths, so that we may grow and be better, instead of complaining about what we dislike while remaining stagnant.
I honestly know that at this point and time, I would be standing in the back trying my hardest to hide my face. I have always had insecurities growing up with being afraid of people to meet my family. I always thought that the way people thought of me and my mom would be tarnished when they met some of my other family members. People would not see selfless or genuine people, they would see some people who cared about themselves, or people who may not have been the healthiest in terms of substances. I didn’t want people to reject me. This insecurity made it so that I wouldn’t want any woman I dated to meet a lot of people, and I wouldn’t want to be around a lot of my family. As I got older, some things changed but many things remained.
To this day I still suffer from some of these same insecurities. I know that no one has a perfect family but that does not make me feel better about some of the people I am related to. I know that in this photo, I would probably be standing farther away from my father’s side of the family. Some of them I would smile and hug and many others I would try my hardest to ignore our blood relation. Some people on my mother’s side I still carry grudges and disdain towards, and I know that it is unhealthy but the fact of the matter is that I do. I would be scared of people saying “Oh wow how are you related to THEM?!” but I think what I fear most is that my friends would accept them, and it would make me feel foolish for not doing so. I fear that random strangers would see the good in them that I do not even though we share so many of the same genetics. I fear that I would end up being like so many of the people I wouldn’t want to be around in this photo, and that I ultimately would belong there. This fear is probably not uncommon, but I never really hear people express it.
Ultimately, I know that a family photo would not happen with my family. I know that if by some stroke of miracle one was to appear then I would be in it. I know I would want to be in the back, hiding my face and looking ashamed but that is not fair to me or my family. What I would do my best to do is be front and center while not covering up anyone. I am working everyday to accept the life I was given. I work to accept my flaws and work to believe in the goodness of people, my family included. If I can tell someone that their family is not so bad and they should be able to accept them, then I need to be able to accept my own advice. I want to have this photo, I want to be in the front, I want to have everyone around so that we can discuss our grudges and reminisce on when things were good. I want to love them all with no conditions and accept them for who they are. I want to, and one day, I just might.
