It was the 11th of December, during the year 2020 and there I was, rejoicing, as it was my last day working until January 4th. I just knew that the end of my year would be a great time for me to rest, see friends who had been being safe, and start the new year off on a positive note. Little did I know, some of those goals would be forced upon me. Not only did I immediately have to help a friend with some personal matters, but afterwards I had to forcibly rest as this pandabear we are in finally touched me. I was saddened that my luck struck again and my staycation started off on some BS. I ended up spending the next weeks in my apartment coughing, hot, tired, not eating due to no appetite, and all around angry that I had to spend my time this way. Fortunately, I was able to recover at home with no visits to the hospital, and after speaking with two different doctors, was cleared to be around people. This did allow me to have a nice New Years Eve celebration with one of my friends who lives in my complex surrounded by around 5 or 6 really nice people.
I just knew that this would signal my luck turning around for 2021. Things were looking up and then as I was trying to do a good deed to make one of my friends happy, I got scammed out of $600. I was working to not be stressed out but honestly I was embarrassed and saddened that it happened, but luckily I was able to get some relief as the part that saddened me the most turned out to be false. Money comes, money goes, but it seemed my luck would stay. Fast forward a few days and not only did I learn that Omega Psi Phi Fraternity Inc. lost a great man, Rest in Peace Brother Anthony “Tony” Lee, but I also learned of some troubling health news from friends and other people I know of. Then the Capitol got stormed and I had to initiate the convo at work for people to even start acknowledging what was happening. I can honestly say that I wasn’t even stressed out from the events in the country because the events in my life, many I have not written about here, had already caused me to mentally and emotionally burnout just 6 days into the year. Now here is the kicker, this post is not about all the problems of this year or even last year, but more so about some feelings I haven’t written about that I have been holding on to.
See, when I start to get really stressed out I tend to become very critical of people’s actions. I start to notice behaviors even more and when this stress crept up on me this year I immediately thought to myself “where could I even go if I needed an escape?”. Though this may seem like a common question in the midst of a panini, I didn’t think of it from that angle. See, in February, it will have been 3 entire years since I have been to my house in Richmond. This also means that I have not seen my family in 3 years and, if I can be completely honest, it truly hurts. Like many people navigating life in these tumultuous times, it would be nice to be able to lean on those who were there for you since you were just a wee lad. I do not want anyone to read this and think I am saying that my momma or my family have turned away from me because it would seem it is quite the opposite. It was me who angrily left and explained that I was not coming back. It was me who constructed boundaries that would allow me to have some semblance of peace in the aspects of life that were constantly in distress due to the very issues that made me leave my home that February in 2018. I wholeheartedly accept my role in leaving my family and changing communication and how that changed our dynamic but there is something that has truly made me sad over these years, and continues to.
I. Have. Not. Seen. My. Family. In. 3. Years. I have nieces who are growing daily and I know nothing about what is going on. I have a nephew who is growing up and may not know anything about me. What hurts me the most is that this situation shined a light on just how much us seeing each other was contingent on me making the effort to visit. I started to realize that since I moved up to Northern Va. in 2012, my mom has only seen one of my apartments that I can honestly remember. Her and her boyfriend stopped by to drop something off as they were headed to my uncle’s house. The only other family member who visited me was my cousin (shoutout to Ike). This realization pains me to this day. I am not writing to try to make anyone seem like a bad person. I realize that my family has their own issues going on that may cause them to not be able to so freely visit me but I get sad every time I hear or see people talk about how their parents visit, or how their siblings pull up on them. I constantly realize the love and laughs we all shared growing up will remain memories and the future does not look to contain many of those moments for me. Even if they read this and try to make an effort, it would not be genuine. It has been 3 years since I saw them, but I have been up here for 9 years so this isn’t just a new issue. If the genuine desire was there, it would have been there.
I chose to write about these feelings for multiple reasons. Not only do I want to get some of these feelings off my chest, I also want to start off my year being genuine and honest with myself. Sometimes we have days where we are not okay or happy. Sometimes we see things that trigger some sadness and we should not try to suppress those feelings in hopes that they will just disappear. I want to share this piece not as a way to just complain, but as a way to be open and hopefully encourage others to realize you can’t bottle up your feelings. It is okay to have more emotions than happy and angry. As a man it is okay to admit that something makes you sad or something hurts your feelings. It is nothing wrong with allowing yourself to feel. You cannot heal and get better if you do not.
Through all of this processing and sharing, I will say that if there is any silver lining to what I have shared it is that I have grown much closer to some of my friends. A few of them know about these issues, which I have talked about in therapy, processed, and developed skills to manage them, but it does not stop the realities from being hurtful and painful. In a world where I see people losing family and friends and such a rapid pace, I constantly think about my mom who currently lives with lupus. I always hope and pray for the health and safety of my family regardless if we speak everyday or see each other. I yearn for the days where I can formulate a relationship with my nephew, while strengthening the relationship with my nieces. I yearn for the days when I can see all my friends I grew up with and not have to worry about driving back up because I refuse to stay in Richmond overnight. I yearn for the day when I do not have to sacrifice my happiness and peace just to see people who make no effort to see me. I hurt, I get sad, but most importantly, I yearn…
