Don’t Speak, Just Listen

Hey Donte’, I want to have a little chat with you. I don’t want to ask how you are because I actually know exactly how you’re feeling and doing. I know a lot of people know pieces, and some even ask to get further details, but I don’t want to ask you anything. I just want to say some things to you and I want you to just listen, and for a change, don’t feel like you have to solve all of your problems on your own.

I know these last string of years have been hard on you. I know you feel alone all the time, from an existential level, to a physical level after losing so many people close to you. It is not easy for you to be a 33 (at the time of writing this) year old orphan while so many of your peers, friends, and co workers still have one or both parents alive. It is really difficult having to deal with the complicated emotions tied to losing your father, given y’all relationship and past, and then only 3 years later losing your mother. I know you are constantly sad with the fact that your brothers don’t talk to you anymore, and when one of them does, it seems to be for help or to try to unload a bunch of shit on you that you don’t have the capacity to handle. You don’t have to say how you feel about the way your family turned out over the last few years, I know it’s hard and everyday is a battle. I know that the simplest things can be triggering, from a commercial, to a conversation, to witnessing something beautiful like a wedding and realizing you can not have a mother-son dance, or a sibling in your wedding party. I know how bad you wish you had some semblance of immediate family left but you simply do not have the capacity to be the provider for siblings older than you, who don’t even respect/appreciate all that you have done for them. I know bro, I know.

I also know that physically you have been working on losing weight. You don’t have to mention how taxing this has been on you all your life. It’s a constant struggle right? Constantly ingesting media and content (most times unwillingly) that tells you how everything that makes up how you look is undesirable. You aren’t crazy for the thoughts you had growing up where you wanted to be desired by women. You wanted to know what it felt like to be lusted over because insecurities were bred inside you that told, and tells you, that your bald head, fat body, gummy smile, and more make you unattractive. You aren’t crazy for feeling like when people see you out with your girlfriend they wonder how you got her. It’s okay, I get it. You are working through this and are slowly getting better. I know that secretly you are afraid of losing too much weight because you do not want to experience how differently people treat thinner bodied people in this world. Everyone who lost massive amounts of weight tell these tales, and if you experience this first hand it will be hard to deal with because it will only make you wonder how people can be so mean and cruel. I hope the weight loss, and size changes help you mentally, physically, and emotionally. I hope so because I know these insecurities eat away at you often. You are human thought bro, so it is okay to have and work through them.

I see you are in a relationship as well. The first real adult relationship you’ve had at that. I know you dated around and had some connections with people in the past that helped you grow as a person but I also realize how difficult this relationship has been for you. Not because the relationship is bad, I know how happy you are overall, but because of all the internal growing you are forced to do. The insecurities you did not know you had that now creep up are not easy to manage at times. Sometimes you wonder if you’re doing things right. Do you feel worthy of a relationship and hopefully love in the future? Don’t answer bro, I know the answer. Just keep working at it and you will find balance to help you out. I know you deal with the fact that your closest guy friends don’t live near you, and that you sometimes can feel alone when you need some advice or guidance. Don’t let that stop you from reaching out to those who have been dealing with some of your thoughts and worries. You are not alone and a lot of feelings you may have are not unique to you. Keep working to get out of your head. Keep working to make your girlfriend happy. Keep communicating freely and openly and things will work out in the best way they can for y’all.

The last thing I want to discuss with you, and I know is one of the hardest things you constantly battle, is how you feel like you don’t have help anymore. It is hard. Full stop. You have been doing so much for so many for over a decade. So many people depended, and still depend, on you. I know when you have to go somewhere it is usually on you to just get up and drive. When momma was in the hospital, even though no one told you about it for a whole day, and even that was only because you had to find out and call to get answers, I know how you had to do so much on your own. You were in the hospital every day with her, taking notes, talking to doctors, speaking on behalf of her health, all while working and doing work for your grad chapter. I know when she passed away you had t basically plan the funeral alone, no help from any of your siblings, and even afterwards at the repast, had people calling you for help and telling you they wouldn’t start without you. I know how anger you still hold due to that and how you work very hard to let a lot of it go. I know how some people would reach out to you to ask you how you were, and no matter how you responded they would just end the conversation and say they are glad you’re well. These people make it harder for you to feel like you could have help from them if you truly needed it. As far as the chapter goes, you did the right thing by taking a break and stepping away from leadership and even with that, people still depend on you for help, assistance, and guidance. You can’t get a break at work because this year is a struggle as you have to work extra hard to train and manage people to ensure your team’s performance isn’t shining a negative light on you. Some days you just want to lay in bed or on the couch and say I aint got it, but you know that if you do that, no one is helping you. It’s the hardest part about being the one people think “made it”. In many people’s eyes, you are doing amazingly and handling everything well so you will be fine right?

Listen, I know you are not doing your best, but I know you are doing the best you can. You constantly operate at a capacity that is far less than full. You put on a smile because you know people don’t want the mood brought down when you mat have a moment. You try to keep your patience at work because you know that regardless of how well you do your job, you are still fighting an uphill battle being one of the few black men in leadership in your office. You have a lot going on, you have a lot to handle, and you have a lot of people who expect things of you. In many ways you are doing amazingly. Dropping weight, saving money, finally getting renters in your house, after spending over $20k last year in repairs alone, all by yourself. You continue to do your job well. You make your girlfriend happy. You keep a clean living area. You seem to be a strong man who handles a lot more than many people can handle, but I know the truth. You are hurt, you struggle to find a therapist with your company’s not so great mental health insurance coverage, you are fighting insecurities, you are there for a lot of people who you don’t know for sure are all there for you, and you are sad often. I know you cry at times when things get very rough. You hate how crying makes you feel weak because people don’t care to see such a big man cry. They want to see the image of you they have, the one who is strong and can handle anything. You miss momma a lot. Sometimes you want to call her and give her news about whats going on. You wish she could meet your girlfriend. You wish she could have heard about your trip to the D.R. last year. You wish you had older brothers who you could lean on for help and guidance. You struggle a lot and I just wanted to take some time to let you know that even if you don’t say it, I know how you feel. Mainly because I am you and sometimes you just have to write things out to get them off your chest. You are enough, you are not weak when you cry, you are attractive, you are a catch, you matter, you will get over the survivor’s guilt you carry, and I love you.