When you look in your mirror what do you see? This isn’t a trick question. What are you looking at in that piece of glass? Do you see a man? A woman? A CEO? How about an employee of a fortune 100 company? Do you see a member of a Greek organization? Perhaps you see a beautiful face with lashes that are full and thick and skin so clear you would compare it to the waters from a beach in Cancun. Mirrors are great for seeing the outside but imagine if there was a mirror to your personality and character. A mirror that could show you what was deep inside of you, your very essence. What would you see if you looked? Better yet, would you look? Lately I have been stripping things away to find out who I truly am and in this process I am learning to look at all the things I remove as just that exact type of mirror. This is not an easy write, and hopefully a few months from now this will be dated as I will have continuously grown, but I am going to share the hard sights that I see when I stare my internal reflection in his eyes.
By this point it is pointless to speak about the things that I have been dealing with over this past year and letting it identify who I am. What I have been doing latelty is looking back years and identifying what exactly it is that I am made of. From the women I have hurt to the friends I have lost. From the jobs I received to the opportunities I squandered. What role have I played in these? Well sadly some of these truths are very hard to swallow but just like vegetables to a child, they must be ingested in order to achieve the best state of health for me.
One thing I have always heard is that I am always trying to help people. I noticed that close friendships with the opposite sex often had me playing, in some aspect, the role of a listening ear and a provider of wisdom or advice to people who I tell myself need me in their life. What I have to be honest about is how I constantly end up in these situations. What I have realized is that whether unintentionally or not I tend to gravitate towards the brokenness in people. I could easily say it is because I don’t want anyone to deal with those types of pains alone or I could say that I don’t seek it out but the reality I am learning is a little more difficult to accept. I have been realizing that I seek out the opportunity to help others because I don’t help myself. I am great at telling people to not suffer in silence or to do xyz when they are struggling but I do not take my own advice. I can tell someone why being healthy is important as I eat a cinnamon roll that my office provides when I know I should not be eating that. I can tell someone that they need not carry grudges or harbor ill feelings towards people when I am currently not visiting my home in Richmond and have no plans to go back. The lack of love I show myself is probably equal to the love I pour into others as if I am trying to balance out the fact that I do not treat myself as well as I should. As I seek a more healthy approach I am forced to ask myself why I do not eat as well as I should or why I do not ask for help when I know I need it.
Part of who we are is what we show others about ourselves. In that sense I had to strip away most of my social media applications to better learn who I am without this image of me I present to the world. I recently re downloaded Instagram and after looking through my pictures I was actually amazed at the false image I show. Now this isn’t false as in I am driving a 300k car but I have an empty fridge. It was more of a false confidence I show in my pictures. I have pictures of me shirtless when I know for a fact that I am beyond frightened to walk in public shirtless. My paranoia already makes me think people are talking about me or making fun of me when I am somewhere like the metro or a club/lounge, so I generally try to just chill out in a corner somewhere to make myself not be seen. I got an invite to a zip lining event for work but I exceed the weight limit so naturally I wont be attending, and after I told some people who asked me about it I was convinced they were chatting about how they can’t believe I weigh more than what they thought. Were they? More than likely no, but my paranoia convinced me. The me on Instagram would never think such things.
When it comes to Groupme or Twitter my issue was not so much that I provided a false version of myself to my peers but more so that I would use the constant interaction to ease the lonely feelings I have without it. Ending a very close friendship and changing my communication style with my mom set up a perfect chance for me to become more active on said social media applications. I mean I was not really talking to many people everyday anymore and I had a desire to start tweeting what I was feeling or popping in Groupme to talk about nothing. What I chose to do was remove those applications from my phone and see just how I handled the isolation that I put myself in. I learned that I truly never learned to deal with the negative thoughts I battle. I learned that a lot of self deprecating humor is rooted in low self image and without any outlet for jokes I was forced to face the truth. When I could not get such easy attention from others from things like a tweet or funny meme I was forced to truly be more intentional about the conversations I would initiate. I learned that while I can easily hit someone up to check on them I would have a natural desire to want to shift the conversation towards me. It is very hard to make sure you do not do this and I have been getting way better. Learning to live with myself in my one bedroom apartment without social media apps that encourage communication with others is a tough process but I’m gaining a way deeper appreciation for what I truly have to offer as a person.
The last thing I will touch on today is what I was forced to learn about my character. Being alone and not having constant affirmations from others everyday will force you to realize if you got those affirmations solely externally or if you affirm yourself internally. I found out that a lot of flaws I have I beat myself up over. I have a pessimistic view of myself yet generally have an optimistic view of the world. I know that I need to lose weight and get healthier but I struggle with it because deep down I never convinced myself I was worth becoming the best version of myself. I recently found out that my great uncle has had multiple strokes over the last few months and is in the hospital. I also see my mother having complications with her Lupus that causes a need for blood transfusions and multiple hospital trips in the last few weeks. My father battled addiction and it ultimately was his battle with alcohol that took a toll on him that cost him his life. I see and hear these things and KNOW that I am predisposed to many health risks yet I do not take my health as seriously as I should. The hard truth is that I have to understand that years of self deprecation and complacency in letting others tell me how great I am or how I don’t look like I weigh that much only masked the fact that I didn’t believe this stuff myself. Without those beliefs I cannot truly grow to be the person I deserve to be. This last year and the introspection I have undertaken has really let me identify these problems and work on them. I can truly say that I am learning to genuinely love myself. I am learning to live without the instant gratification of fruitless conversations for the sake of not feeling alone. I am learning to be more authentic in my portrayal of myself. Most importantly I have learned that this is a journey that while requiring periods of isolation and self study is not one that should or can be taken alone. As I continue to stare at my reflection I will continue to learn to love all of what I see even if the image is less than what I used to think was perfect.
