One Year Later

So, here we are… A year ago I was in my office when we all got the word that someone we worked with might have been exposed to Covid. I remember us all being curious as to who it could possibly be. The leadership team told us to just leave and go home so they can deep clean the office. We would likely be back in a few days. Well uhhhh… that ain’t happen. I have not seen that office since, and wow has life taken me on a journey during this year of lockdowns and quarantines. While it would be easy to write all the predictable things, I want to talk about how this year has really made me feel.

This past year has made me feel things in such extremes. As an introvert, I love being able to stay home and not go out. I love not having to be invited to stuff only to soberly sit in the corner to look at all the people I know I am funnier than. What I don’t love is listening to “…Baby One More Time” and realizing how much I felt it when Britney Spears sang “My loneliness is killing me”. 

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So for the sake of transparency I will keep the beginning of this post in here. I wrote that yesterday and took a break. This is what happened when I started writing tonight. I wanted to write about how I have been dealing with a year of this but, honestly, I just had no joy or desire when writing it. I had plans to write about my journey with prostatitis from like March to July and deep dive into some experiences but it just wouldn’t come out. I wanted to write about the way I have to constantly check myself for feeling like people are doing too much when I know people who have lost family members to this virus. I wanted to do all of this, while deep diving into the specifics, but I just aint got it. Honestly I think this is a better post to display how I feel after a year.

See what I have been feeling lately is a bunch of apathy and indifference to the things I told myself I would work on. I wanted to play video games and write blogs and practice guitar. I wanted to do these things to feel some separation from work and the monotony of everyday life in this apartment. The reality is that every day I wake up and see these same walls, the same fan oscillating, the same trophies, the same stove, the same microwave, the same everything. There is no separation of home and work. Sure I don’t work on my couch or in my bedroom, but what does that really do for me? When my laptop for work is the same one I use for all these zoom meetings I have after work, what difference does it really make that I am “off” work? It is like there is no escape from the things I have shouldn’t need to escape from. 

Home was supposed to be my solace from work and social obligations. Now, home is where I have these new age social obligations via zoom meetings. Home is where I have teams and slack meetings for work. I have to listen to my co workers in my living room as if they are in my apartment invading my life at home. I have to make myself go outside and walk around the neighborhood just to feel like I am doing something different or productive. It is not like I want to go out to a party or lounge. I don’t miss going to happy hours and listening to drunk people lie very loudly about stuff they never did to impress people they will never see again. I just miss when I didn’t have to feel like home was all there is, and all there will be. It all weighs on you after a while and I am honestly just tired.

If you were expecting some deep dive into some deep topic that was super introspective and self reflective then I am sorry to you. I just don’t have it and I wanted to share this raw unfiltered flow of thoughts because as a pseudo creative, the process is not always pretty. Sometimes you will not have the passion or desire to create in the way you feel is adequate. Sometimes you wont have the energy to force yourself to do something that doesn’t make you happy just so you can please the people who follow you. Sometimes you wont even like the final product but you know what? That is completely okay. Don’t look at others and assume you have to match their output. Just be honest with yourself and give yourself grace. It has been rough year and even the strongest people get tired and need a break. I know I do and I don’t even hope this touches someone or makes an impact. I am just glad to get these thoughts out for this month.