Don’t Let The Light Go Out

People love to say that everything happens for a reason and more people love to believe it. While I am not always under the belief that that is true, I do think that sometimes things happen that just NEED to happen for you. The other day I opened Spotify and happened to see a new release form Panic! At The Disco. Naturally I was excited as I generally like their music but one song really stuck out to me, which if you could not guess already, it shares the same name as this post. As I listened, something told me to look at the lyrics and that’s when I realized that this was something that I NEEDED to hear. I was immediately filled with a lot of feelings and emotions but what was the most intriguing part was that every subsequent listen made me feel different emotions about different things. I felt sad, scared, lonely, angry, and more (I am working on not saying I feel emotional and instead listing out the emotions that I feel). So with all these feelings and thoughts screaming to escape, I am finally writing a new post since November of last year. Strap in everyone, it might be a long one… (that’s what she said, amirite?)

“[Verse 1]
Stare at a wall that’s told a thousand tragedies
Holding a hand that’s loved every part of me
A lady comes and tells me that I got to leave
Right away, everybody is the enemy
Deep breaths from the room where I watch you lie
Any beat from your heart gets me through the night
You’re my love, you’re my death, you’re my alibi
Say this isn’t goodbye”

This first verse immediately stuck out to me as it triggered feelings of my mother in the hospital and me sitting by her side everyday up until her passing. The memories of sitting in that hospital room are still so vivid and I remember staring at the hospital walls that I know have seen well over a thousand tragedies. When I went back to my hotel or my friend’s room I was staying in, I often thought about how many stories those walls could tell. The sad reality is that I am now one of the tragedies that the walls could tell to whoever listened and the title of this song speaks to how we let these tragedies live on for the betterment and learning of anyone who hears them. Though this verse seems to describe very clearly how it feels watching your last living parent die, the subsequent listens triggered more interesting feelings.

When I got past the initial thoughts of my mother I started to think of how this verse related to so many other aspects of my life. The subsequent listen made me think about personal relationships with folks and the feeling of watching many of them die over these past two years. I have had to make decisions to eliminate very strong parts of relationships with people as well as watch some relationships I had with people, or thought I had with people, die while I could do nothing but accept the new reality. I often feel sad knowing that the hand that loved every part of me was my own, and not the one I was holding on to. Sometimes it feels like I no longer have that person who truly loves every part of me and it is a constant battle to remind myself that people can not love every part of you and that does not make their love for you any less valuable. When I look at the fact that I don’t talk to my siblings, or how some people were only linked to me through my mother and now those people are strangers, it just makes me relate to the deep breaths from the room where I watch you die… especially on the nights where I lay there and think about how I have watched, and continue to watch relationships die slowly and painfully.

“[Chorus]
Who’s gonna drive me home tonight?
Who’s going to argue ’til they win the fight?
You’re the only one that knows how to operate
My heavy machinery”

Such a simple, sweet, and effective chorus from this song. When I heard it and read the lyrics I immediately thought about how no one ever gets to drive me home. It was easy to think about the times when I was a child and my mom could pick me up and drive me somewhere. Then I started to have some other eye opening realizations as the chorus repeated. I started to think about how I have always been forced to be the responsible one from a very young age. When I got my license in high school I was the only one out of my siblings who knew how to drive. Due to my mother’s lupus battle, there were many times where I was the one who was at the wheel driving people around. I realized how rarely I get to ride in a passenger seat. If it was not for ride sharing apps, I would rarely ever get driven around and even more rarely been driven home by someone who cares about me. Sometimes I long for the feeling of not having to be the one behind the wheel. It honestly hurts to feel so strange when being given a ride because it is unfamiliar territory. It hurts to think about how the last person who would have driven me home from any situation is gone. It is one of the reason I chose to never drink as I know I always have to be able to rely on myself because it is very hard to rely on others when all my life they have shown that they are never as reliable as I am for them. I know people care for me and would help if I needed it but the conditioning of my life was to realize that, most of the time, no one is going to drive me home except for me.

When I think about that second line it naturally made me think of the women I have shared so much of myself with over my life. Whether it be my mother, past lovers, or close friends, I constantly sit and wonder if I have lost everyone who will do these kinds of relationship things with me, whether by pushing them away or not. I am generally not the best with romantic relationships and many of the things I have been working on took major hits these last few years. I have been in a state of grieving which makes it hard for me to open up to women romantically and allow them the chance to be the person that can “argue until she wins the fight”. While I could write sentence upon sentence about my interactions with women over my life, I instead will choose to simply write that many times I feel like I missed out on that arguing partner and it was simply due to my own actions.

The last two lines of this chorus are the ones that I think hit me the hardest in the feels. The last two years have caused me to feel an existential sense of loneliness. Losing my cousin and mother were hard enough but the fallout made me realize how lonely life is when you no longer have some of the closest people to you who loved you unconditionally. The small things like traveling and no longer knowing who I can tell that I made it safely makes me sad most days. I knew my mother always wanted to know if I made it somewhere solely because she loved me and was happy knowing I was safe. Now, I am constantly wondering if someone is in their feelings and doesn’t care about my safe arrivals, if they are just humoring me because they feel it’s the nice thing to do, or they truly care. There are occasions where I battle these thoughts and decide to tell people that I am heading somewhere and realize that the way they used to ask if I made it safely no longer exists. The many times I went to Richmond and have not seen any of my brothers weighs on me. It’s not just me no longer seeing them but knowing they simply don’t care about if I am even okay or maintaining. It may sound trivial, but these little things like knowing you have someone who you can simply say “I made it safely” and they genuinely care are the things that mean so much more when you no longer have that unconditionally. Not knowing who to put as an emergency contact is a different type of existential loneliness I have been working through these last couple of years. These little things are my heavy machinery and it is hard when I feel like I lost the only person left who knew how to operate it. Miss you mom.

“[Verse 2]
A rush of blood floods hot thoughts in my head
Red roses sitting silently beside the bed
I’m saying more right now than I ever said
Don’t wanna live if the thought of loving you is dead”

This second verse was very interesting as it was the only part of the song that did not make me think of actual people. The triggered thoughts were more about passions and how I feel about them. I naturally thought about this blog and how neglected it has been but now that I am choosing to write, it is as if I am saying more than I ever said in almost a year. There are obviously many hot thoughts in my head and I have struggled with the desire to actually process, write, and share said thoughts. A life without passion is one that many, including myself, might say is miserable to live. It has been hard to pull myself up and make sure I dedicate time to the things I enjoy and this particular verse definitely gave me the kick I needed to get my creative juices flowing enough to stop neglecting my blog.

“[Post-Chorus]
Don’t let the light go out
Don’t let the light go out
Don’t let the light go out
Don’t let the light go out“

With this we reach the last unique part, and also the words that end this beautiful song. This post-chorus is the affirmation that I unknowingly have been telling myself during these hard times. There are so many things in our lives that require constant tending to to ensure they remain healthy. Relationships (platonic, familial, or platonic), work, passions, education, and anything else that is important to you needs your intentional work to require that their metaphorical light does not go out. Of all the thoughts I shared above, this repeated phrase is what links them. With some things, I have had to sit and watch as the light went out. I realized that if I stopped putting forth effort, then they simply died. The realization that almost all of my family and most of my friends only see me when I travel to them was made much more clearly in this time of continual grieving. Having to always travel to be comforted by those you love and hope love you is taxing. I have been forcing myself to not let those lights go out because sometimes it is more painful to realize that the light will go out simply due to a lack of reciprocation. 

Though this post may seem to be very sad in nature, to me it is very similar to this song. A good song can elicit a great range of emotions and often times for me it is about how I am left feeling. This song ends on an optimistic note which I believe is the part I needed the most. I sound like a broken record but I cannot stress just how hard these last couple of years have been to navigate. I straight up am not okay most days. I have to make sure I handle all my responsibilities, not fail the people who depend on me at work, and do most things on my own. I juggle a lot and most of the time I want to hide away in my home and not see anyone. I have to force myself to go out and not be a hermit. I have to force myself to write when I know I should. I have to tell myself that it’s okay to not be “on” all the time. With all this being said, what I do that is most important is ensure that the light does not go out. I keep hope alive that eventually things will be better. I keep trucking at fitness goals even though stress and depression makes them even more challenging. I keep succeeding at work because bills don’t stop. I take that L and drive to see friends if I know I need that comfort because waiting home alone wont help me. I pay all the necessary money to fix my house to ensure I can rent it out and relieve myself of this huge weight. I do a lot to keep that light on and this song will forever be a reminder to me that I am not alone in my struggles to not let the light go out… whatever that light may be.