Hi Momma

Hi momma. I am sorry it took me so long to write anything about you but, to be honest, life has been pretty hard. On July 25th at 1:04 am, you left this world of the living. I was with you about 4 hours before you passed and I remember the last thing I said to you was “Get some rest, I’ll be back in the morning”. I did not know that was the last thing I would ever say to you and honestly I have been forcing myself to not feel like I should have said anything else, because it seems like you listened to me and now you are actually able to rest with no more pain or worries. I know that over the last three years our relationship has been drastically altered but I wanted to take some time to honor and remember you, because no matter what happened or what we went through, I always have and always will love you.

Now you know I am not a crier, but over the last few days I have probably shed more tears than I have in the last few years combined. I have been thinking about all of the things you taught me, all of the things we talked about, all the inside jokes, and all the ways you loved me and everyone else whose path you crossed. If I am being honest, I don’t know how I want to write this and my thoughts are all over the place so I will just see how this goes. What I want to start with are some memories.

Do you remember when I was just a young fat kid and I got interested in dance because I was really good in Minds in Motion? Do you remember how I had to perform shirtless in Elementary school during our performance of Temples and Tombs? Remember me dancing in front of the crowd to “King Tut! Tut! He was so divine, King Tut! Tut! Yes very, very fine!”? I remember that clearly and what I remember about it the most is just how supportive you were. I never felt like it was something that was too “gay” to be doing in a city and time when everyone was calling anyone “gay” for anything they didn’t deem masculine. Even though my weight always factored into my self esteem, you never negatively impacted that. You never told me that I should do football instead of dance. You never told me to put a shirt on. You never made me feel like you were ashamed of my body and honestly that gets me through some of my moments of feeling down about myself. I don’t know if you realized how much I appreciated at least being loved in whatever body I had at home, because the world didn’t love it outside. I remember that love from you and I always will.

Do you remember how I attended 4 different Elementary schools? I remember going to Carver, Oak Grove, Westover Hills, and Woodville. I remember moving so much that I couldn’t make any long standing friends until around the 4th and 5th grade. During these years, me and my brothers all took a fond interest in video games. From Pokémon, to Zelda, to Final Fantasy, to Street Fighter, and more. We loved all the niche geeky games that the “normal” kids didn’t like. Do you remember how you supported our interests and didn’t tell us that games would “rot our brains” or that we needed to be doing something productive? It was almost as if you knew we needed an escape from the life we were living and you, not only supported us and let us play, you even tried to learn some of the characters. You told us when we got good grades we could play the game. You made us keep balance but you supported our interests and even took an interest in them. Do you remember years later when The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker” came out and I mentioned how much I wanted it? Well what I remember is you actually let me skip school that day and you took me to the store to get the game. I will never forget how that action made me feel. I appreciated having my interests supported and lifted up, rather than dismissed and talked down about, and I remember that love from you and I always will.

Do you remember when we were homeless. I remember being in middle school and finding out we had less than two weeks to vacate the house. We aint know what the reason was but you did the best to make sure we packed all we needed, got out the house, and found somewhere to live. I remember how you made sure we could catch the normal school bus after school and we would just go hang out at the East End library until you came to pick us up. Even while we were living 5 people to a 2 bedroom Motel room, what I remember the most is how much you tried to make that temporary situation feel like a home for us. We all know that children shouldn’t have to be in that situation and you did all you could to shield us from any extra pain. Do you remember how we left the Motel to stay with your sister over Northside? I remember that as well and though it was very hard, and very stressful, we never had to switch schools. You made sure we could continue living as close to normal until we found a new permanent house to live in. You made a way and we ended up moving back to Southside where we lived until I purchased the house for you. I remember your sacrifices and how much you shielded us from while not downplaying the situation or lying to us. I remember that love from you and I always will.

Do you remember my later years in college? I remember when I first told you I wanted to pledge. You knew nothing about Greek Life but do you remember what you said to me? You said that if I thought it was a good decision then you trusted me enough to support me. During that time I truly needed support and love, and while you may not realize just how much that meant to me, I want to tell you that your support and love got me through. I remember learning that the electricity was off at the house during the time I was pledging. Y’all were operating on a generator which hurt me because I felt like the money I used for pledging could have gone to help pay bills. You reassured me that it was not my responsibility, that y’all would be okay, and that I should continue doing what I set out to do. I remember how even with you supporting me, you were doing this through a depressive episode. I remember texting you and you telling me how difficult it was for you to find joy and reasons to get out of bed every day. I understand how much love and sacrifice it takes to be there for someone when you can barely be there for yourself. I remember how much that meant to me but that wasn’t even the most beautiful memory from college. Due to unforeseen circumstances, I was unable to be a Hall Director my senior year. Though I was working at Belk and using my refund money from grants and scholarships, rent was not something I was able to easily afford. Do you remember how you sacrificed so much by helping me pay rent even though you knew your money was tight and barely covered the rent at the house in Richmond. It was something I never forgot and always expressed my gratitude for because your sacrifices, even as I was a whole 20 year old, helped me to make it out of college with no loans. I remember that sacrifice and love from you and I always will.

Now if I wrote about memories I could go on all day but I wanted to pivot and share some things that you taught me. I have had hella teachers all through life. From 4 different Elementary schools, Middle school, High school, College, and work, I can honestly say that you were my greatest teacher. I learned so many things from you that you may not even realize and I just want to share a couple of examples.

When it comes to love, you taught me so many things. You taught me that love is not a one size fit all thing. The way you loved me, my brothers, my friends, their friends, and more showed me that while love can be spread it does not have to be diminished in any capacity. Your love was like the movie Spiderman: Into the Spider-verse. Allow me to explain since I know you probably have no idea what I mean by that momma. So when the movie was announced it was very exciting to finally get a movie about Mile Morales, the Black and Puerto Rican Spiderman. When details started to come out it became a little worrying. We learned that the movie would contain about 6 other Spidermen. People were worried that this would take away from the story of Miles and he would be overshadowed in his own movie. When it came out, however, the consensus was that all the other Spidermen got amazing attention but it never once felt like the focus and movie wasn’t about Miles. For someone who took in our friends and always opened the door for people in need, and for someone who was called “ma” or “momma” by so many of my friends and cousins, I can honestly say you never felt like less of a mother to me. Your love for me that made me feel like Miles taught me that loving others as a mother doesn’t have to lessen the love you give me. I learned that love is catered to the person and relationship, not just the title y’all share. I utilize this in my life now where I always work to make sure that no friend or family feels like I love them less because of the way I love a someone else. 

You also taught me to constantly work to love myself. I knew you had many thing you disliked about yourself but it never stopped you from loving who you were. You were unapologetic when it came to your love of cats and music. When you would sing Simple Plan songs with me on our car rides you were teaching me that it was okay to listen to Q94 in a city that loved Power92 (If you know you know). You were teaching me that blasting music that people considered white, at the top of our lungs, was perfectly fine and that I should love what I love. When you took me to get that Zelda game you were teaching me to be unapologetic in the geeky interests I had. When you attempted to name Pokémon, or Sonic characters, you were doing the same thing. I learned, from your actions, how love is sometimes shown by simply trying to take an interest in what someone cares about. When you would watch those random movies like Freaked or Joe’s Apartment with us, and laugh at the jokes, you were teaching me to not be ashamed of my weird sense of humor. I learned that inside jokes can mean so much to people when they are about something special that you share, even if to them, something as small as a random movie from the 90s that you can quote is what they determine to be special. I learned a lot about myself from you, and I try my best to continue what you taught me in my everyday life with my friends and family.

I know I shared a couple of things about what you taught me but I wanted to close this out by mentioning the most important thing I learned from you. Over the years, through the ups and downs, through the sacrifices you made to the disagreements we had. From me determining to not visit you for the last 3 years to us telling each other “I love you” randomly, what I learned from you, that I hold dearest to me, is that you were not just my mother. I learned over time how you were a person, way before I was even thought of. You were your own person before you became a big sister. You were a whole adult before you had children. Though I always called you mom, there was so much to you that existed before that title did. I learned that you had a whole life of events that shaped you into the person who birthed and took care of me. I learned that people are not just who you meet but they are the sum of all the events that shaped them into the person you meet. From that I learned not to only care about women because they are someone’s sister or daughter or mother. No, I care about them because they are a human worthy of love an respect, regardless of any title they picked up at a point in their life. I learned how all the memories we shared, all the inside jokes, the conversations that only we know about… all of these are only a fraction of what made you you. You are a wonderful person who existed, lived, learned, cried, fought, laughed, and more well before you were my mother. Even though I know you were your own person outside of being my mother, I really just want to say that you were always, and will always be my person. I learned to see people outside of their relationship to me. I learned how to see people. I learned how to love. And I will always love you momma.